How to Survive Your Wife's Pregnancy

How to survive your wife's pregnancy

Young guys usually cheerfully joke that they are lucky with their gender - they won’t have to give birth. And they think they are happy. It is, of course, easier if you don’t get married. But every normal man dreams of heirs, that is, children from his legal wife. And I still have to get over my pregnant wife...

Get ready for a ton of questions

If your wife is trying to get pregnant as planned, you will have to listen to many questions that make you think about the meaning of life: what if she is terminally ill? Why do other women give birth when they shouldn't? Or maybe you need to get checked too? What if she's barren - won't you leave her? Is it true that you cannot adopt a normal child in orphanages?

And so it happened

Woe betide you if you don't dance around the room kissing a pregnancy test. And a very difficult fate awaits the unmarried Don Juan who dares to utter the phrase “Is this from me?”, even if there are grounds for such suspicions. Leave - she will not leave, after all, the instinct of a pregnant female forces you to hold on to the breadwinner and support (if according to your passport you are still not the breadwinner and support, you will be forced to become one), but hysteria, breaking dishes and meticulously listing all your former lovers, including bedmate in kindergarten, you're guaranteed.

There are women who carry a child, almost forgetting about it. But approximately 50% of expectant mothers diversify the mornings of their halves with melancholy sounds from the toilet. The most literate part of the 50% will find information in the book that to overcome nausea you need to eat without getting out of bed. So it makes sense to learn in advance how to crawl into the kitchen and find food without opening your sleepy eyes, because... your dear spouse will sleep all day and half the night, but at dawn they, together with insomnia, will wash the floor, cook breakfast and write letters.

Crazy or need?

In the first three months everything is wrong, everything is annoying. If you're unshaven, shave, otherwise you'll hurt yourself. Shaven - go away, you stink of soap. And let’s take the deodorant, the same stimulating one, personally chosen for her - God forbid! Go to the North Pole to smoke and don’t come back without an orange. And right now, because in forty minutes she no longer wants an orange, but she needs a cucumber, and certainly her mother’s pickle, and at half past two in the morning she will die without plum compote. Bziki? Maybe. But most wild peoples believe that if the whims of a pregnant woman are not satisfied, the child will be sick or retarded. Modern science partially confirms this: a woman wants exactly what is necessary for the child or her own body. Even the passion for inhaling car exhaust is justified and means anemia, which must be urgently treated. Is it hard? What does it feel like for her to be scared by the toilet in the morning?

In many nations, a pregnant woman personifies the Mother of all humanity. You are going to hate this humanity, because... it is represented in your home by the Mother, who grieves for absolutely everyone, including the grilled chicken that is baking in the oven - after all, she could have had chickens. And what kind of jacket the relatives gave for the baby - there are no words, only tears - how wonderful. And if you don’t have the strength or insight to sympathize with a chicken or a jacket, your wife’s reaction will be even cooler, like when watching Titanic.

You will forcibly become an Indian named Big Ear, learn to understand anatomy and pharmacology and, in the end, you will be able to convince your wife that the child will not be born a deformity if she does not buy the prescribed dietary supplements. When you see children's things and magazines for young mothers, for the purpose of self-preservation, it is recommended to at least sigh in admiration, if your honest pioneer upbringing does not allow you to blatantly lie that this also makes you squeak.

The husband is to blame for all the troubles

About thirty weeks into your pregnancy (towards the end), you will have to make renovations in your apartment. It doesn't matter that you did it six months ago. And let the tiles shine and the wallpaper still clean. You can whitewash the ceilings or change the baseboards, buy new curtains and line the balcony with clapboard. It doesn't really matter what the name is