The latest jokes about musclemen - our bodybuilding humor.

A guy buys condoms at the pharmacy... The girl pharmacist looks at him: he’s so big and healthy. I decided to ask, just in case:
— Do you want regular, XL or Magnum?
The jock, shyly looking away:
- Please give me an e-mail.

The jock invited the girl to a restaurant...
Waiter:
- What will you eat with us?
Jock:
- Creatine, gainer, BCAA and double freshly squeezed protein shake! What will you do, dear?

The aliens caught the skinny guy, the nerd, and the jock guy so that they could conduct experiments on them... Well, they say: whoever makes us laugh the most, we’ll leave him alive and return him to earth, and let the rest go for anatomical studies of internal organs...
As a result, the jock remained alive, because he made the aliens laugh until he cried when he showed them his tiny peeper in all its glory!

A mannered blonde with a good sense of humor saw a naked jock and said with surprise:
- Well, of course, I heard that you Jews are circumcised, but not to this extent!!!

The skinny guy, the nerd and the elevator operator ended up on an uninhabited island. What to do? They need to eat something... They started fishing... And suddenly they accidentally caught a goldfish...
Gold fish:
- Let me go! I will grant each of you 3 wishes.
Dryshch:
— I want: 1) a lot of money, 2) a cool car and 3) home from this filthy island.
The fish did. Dryshch teleported home...
Nerd:
- I want 1) to become the smartest, 2) the Nobel Prize and 3) home from this small island.
The fish did. The nerd teleported home...
Lifter:
- I want 1) a barbell, 2) a stand with a bench, and 3) these two back to the island as my sparring partners, so that they can insure me...

Jock caught a goldfish...
Fish:
- Jock, let me go. I will grant you any wish.
Jock:
— Make sure that methane has no side effects at all!

Kach comes to the gym, and the stench from him is a kilometer away, it hurts the eyes...
Other pitching:
- Why do you smell so bad?
Jock:
Yes, here’s a joke that happened to me: I wanted to buy methane, but apparently they slipped me butane!

A bunch of people gathered: a skinny guy, a nerd, a jock, a lifter and an arm wrestler... They began to argue: which of them is the best...
Dryshch:
- And I run faster than all of you!
- Well, yes. Well, yes.
Nerd:
- And I’m smarter than all of you combined!
- Well, yes. Can't argue with that...
Arm wrestler:
- And I will take each of you in my arms!
- We agree. No doubt...
Lifter:
- And I can bench press more than all of you combined!
- So Yes! We believe! We believe!
Bodybuilding man:
- And I... And I... And I... And I have the smallest peeper of all of you!

The jock won the competition. He is awarded a cash prize with the question:
— Where will you spend your winnings?
Kach:
- It’s clear where! - I will treat the liver!

The jock came to apply for a job as a bodyguard. Well, the Chief looked at him, read the resume and said:
- Well, that's it! You're right for us. We'll take you.
Jock:
- When do you go to work?
Chief:
- Well, from next week, from Monday, come on out. Let's take Petrovich, eat, buy a box of vodka, and drink all day! At the same time, we will celebrate your appointment...
Bodybuilding man:
- So I actually don’t drink! I am for a healthy lifestyle and all that...
Chief:
- Don't drink? Mlyn... Well, what to do then? Well, then don’t come on Monday... Ato, we’ll drink here, but what about you? Will you look at us? Then don’t come on Monday... You come on Tuesday. Exactly! Let's take Petrovich, get in a car, go and pick up some normal chicks. Let's have a great time!
Jock:
- Actually, I have a wife. And I respect her. I don't go to the left.
Chief:
- What's serious? Well, what to do then? Well, then don’t come on Tuesday... Ato, we’ll eat on the chicks, and are you going to sit here alone? ... Don't come on Tuesday! … Wait a minute! You don’t drink, you don’t go after women, and you’re probably not one of those... not a fagot?
Bodybuilding man with indignation:
- Who am I? What are you doing? Look at me! I'm a jock! What kind of fagot am I to you?!!!!
Chief:
- But then don’t come on Wednesday either!

Two friends are talking... One asks:
- Well, how’s your new jock boyfriend? He's probably carrying you in his arms?
- What you? No matter how many times I ask you to carry me in your arms, she always answers: “I’m drying!”

Two friends are talking... One asks:
- Well, how’s your hunk husband? Perhaps he is carrying you in his arms?
- What’s on your hands?! What kind of stupid humor is this?! He always rubs himself in front of the mirror at home, so much so that I can’t even put on my makeup properly!

The jock caught a goldfish...
Fish:
- Let me go free! I will grant you any wish... Do you want me to make you Mr. Olympia in an instant?
Jock:
- Not! There is no need for Olympia. Do it better, fish, so that my penis grows like all normal people!

The jock undergoes a medical examination... He enters the ophthalmologist's office... The doctor shows him the letters: the smallest, more, more... The jock looks and is silent... The ophthalmologist shows: "W" and "B" are the largest letters of the table and says:
- Well, these are the ones you should see!
To which Jock replies:
- Doctor, yes, I see the smallest ones too. I just don't remember what they are called!

The boxer beat up the jock... And he stood up, shook himself off and said:
“But I can bench press more than you!”

The girl angrily leaves the cult, slamming the door, saying:
- It would be better if you pumped up your own pussy!

Such a jerk comes to the gym and says in a businesslike manner:
- I'm drying!
The builders are watching, between approaches he takes something out of his pocket and eats... You thought maybe some kind of sports drink? We decided to ask what it is? And he told them:
“I told you, I’m drying.” So I bought it at the grocery store and eat it!

The cults ask their friend why his wife is so fat, like a cow, and he answers them with offense:
- She's not fat. She is a phytony! It’s just that I have it now – “on the masses”.

The girl enthusiastically tells her friend about her “bodybuilding man”:
- …Yes! Entirely! – and I didn’t even feel sick! ...

The boy saw the jock on the street and thought:
- I wish I could do that!
And then the same jock saw the same boy in the bathhouse and thought:
- If only I could do that too!

The cult busily enters the pharmacy and proudly says:
- Give me a pack of Viagra! Today I invited two charming twin girls to my place for dinner. An amazing night awaits us! I want to be in shape so as not to lose face...
The next day, the same person arrives, only not fresh, tortured, tired, squeezed out like a lemon:
— Give me hand cream. They didn't come yesterday!

The IQ of the average cult is as small as his pussy.

The builder is stuck in the elevator and calls the elevator operator... He, after some time, arrives and shouts to him through the door:
- How's the elevator? I thought you needed to either sit down or bench press!!!

A schoolboy on a bus gives up his seat to the elevator operator:
- Sit down please.
To which the big guy answers him:
- What kind of joke? How can I sit here for you? There are no racks or barbells here!!!

Fitonyashka asks her friend:
- How do you dry yourself?
- On the balcony or in the bathroom on the dryer...

Two friends are talking...
One:
- Well, how's your new jock boyfriend doing? How is he in bed?
The second with disgust and horror in her voice:
- How? How? – humor, and that’s all! Imagine that a huge three-door wardrobe is falling on you! And from the lock of this cabinet there is a small little key sticking out!

The muscleman went to enter the university... He returns back to his native rocking chair...
Jock friends:
- Well? Entered? Did you pass everything?
The jock, shedding a stingy tear:
Urine - passed. Kal - passed. Blood - donated. But I couldn’t do math!

A ship was shipwrecked at sea... a skinny guy, a nerd and a jock sailed onto some island, and they were immediately caught by the local aborigines, and they said:
- We are cannibals. And we will eat one of you every day... Blah! Blah! Blah! Let's start with you, jock...
As a result, the jock was eaten, but the nerd and the nerd remained alive. You will ask why? - yes, because the cannibals had enough of the pumping for a long time!

The aliens caught the skinny guy, the nerd, and the jock guy so that they could conduct experiments on them... Well, they say: whoever passes the test, we’ll leave him alive and return him to earth, and whoever doesn’t, we’ll let him in for anatomical studies of the internal organs... And the task was given: bench press 100 kg barbell. Dryshch, facing the fear of the death penalty, on inhuman adrenaline, by some miracle, squeezed this barbell once. The nerd constructed mechanical jacks for himself under his jacket and, deceiving the observers, somehow pressed the barbell. It’s the jock’s turn... And he says:
— Bench press? and even 100 kg? - Not! I won't!
The nerd gives him a shit:
- What are you doing? You can squeeze out this weight with one left hand!!!
And how about them:
- What are you talking about? What barbell? What kind of bench press? - I'm drying now!

The jock didn’t show up to work for two weeks... He comes to the accounting department and brings in a sick note, and there is a diagnosis: Overtraining.

Gayovy stops the pitching...
Guyovy:
- Blow the trumpet!
The jock blew so loudly that Gaevoy’s device was torn into pieces, then he took out some kind of notepad and began to write something down there...
Guyovy:
- What have you done?! You broke my device! And what do you write there when I’m talking to you?!!
Jock:
— I’m writing in the self-control diary, in the “My Records” section: 126 heating pads, 17 traffic police pipes,...

The doorbell rings for a jock... on the threshold: a huckster and some kind of not-fresh scum...
Huckster:
— Did you order a girl?
Jock:
I ordered a steroid from an online sports pharmacology store: “Oksan”, not your Oksana!

The jock won the competition. He is awarded a cash prize with the question:
— Where will you spend your winnings?
Quality without a drop of humor in his voice:
- I’ll buy myself a card with all the money!!!

In the bathhouse, two little boys ask a naked jock:
- Wow! You are so big and ripped! Uncle, what is inside you?
The jock decided to play a joke and answers:
- Bomb!
One boy to another:
- Let's blow it up!
Another answered him:
- It is forbidden! Dangerous! The wick is too short!

The doorbell rings for a jock... there's some fagot standing on the doorstep...
— Did you order a boy?
- These are idiots! Everyone got confused again! I ordered a gainer! And not gay!

A jock, after several courses of steroids, opens the door to the sex therapist’s office. And there is a small dressing room and a door to the left and a door to the right. On one it says: “An optimist doctor,” on the second: “A pessimist doctor.” Well, the jock thought in his one brain: I’d better go to the pessimist first... And if he says that everything is bad, then I’ll go to the optimist...
He goes to see a pessimist. The pessimist looked and said:
- It’s not worth it! And it won't stand!
He goes to see an optimist. He looked and said:
- It’s not worth it! But how it hangs!!!

The Nesmiyan princess not only laughed, she simply went hysterical when the naked jock at the end of his performance took off his underwear and showed her his tiny pussy.

The jock won the competition. He is awarded a cash prize with the question:
—Where will you spend your winning money?
Quality without humor or irony in his voice:
— I’ll buy myself a huge mirror!!!

Three women complain to each other...
One says:
“Mine is always hanging out somewhere.” He is never at home. No help from him...
The second one picks up:
- And not only does mine hang out somewhere, but it also goes after women, the male!
The third continues:
- And not only does mine hang out and go after women, but this one is also... Homosexual!
A silent scene and an angry cry from somewhere on the balcony gave away:
Idiot, how many times do I have to tell you: I am not a homosexual! I'm a bodybuilder!

On the bus, during rush hour, a boy asks a muscleman:
- Uncle, are you leaving at the next one?
- Yes. I'm leaving.
The boy looks: there are a lot of people, and the jock doesn’t even begin to move towards the exit... Fearing that he has to go through an extra stop, the boy asks:
- Uncle, are these people in front of you coming out too?
The jock, without hiding his humor:
- They're coming out. Only they don’t know about it yet.

The muscleman got to the game “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” He is asked a question:
- What is the sum of the squares of the legs?
The jock thought for a long time, racked his brains, and finally answered:
- But I can bench press 150 kg!

A muscleman at an appointment with a urologist...
Doctor:
- What kind of joke? - Everything is so big with you, but where...?

Armenian radio was asked:
— How to borrow money from the elevator operator?
- Wait until the bar hits him. And then do with him what you want.

The muscleman is drafted into the army, he undergoes a medical examination... He passed all the doctors - he is healthy and fit. He goes to the urologist... He comes out with the urologist’s conclusion:
"Unfit. In place of the penis, I discovered a hypertrophied female clitoris. So the patient is a woman. But in our country women are not required to be drafted into the army.”

The “bodybuilding man” decided to pleasantly surprise his girlfriend with an exclusive private dance, slowly undressing and showing off his muscles... In fact, he surprised her when he took off his panties in the finale.

The jock caught a goldfish. She asks him to let him go, promising to fulfill any wish...
- Make me become a “bad dancer,” fish.

Do you know that what bothers a bad dancer doesn’t bother a good dancer at all.

A girl enthusiastically tells her friend about her jock boyfriend:
- …Yes! Can you imagine? And the water in the shower was not cold at all...

Armenian radio was asked:
— How to get a mobile phone from a jock?
- Wait until the bar hits him. And then do with him what you want.

The girl enthusiastically tells her friend about her “bodybuilding man”:
- …Yes! Imagine? - even smaller than my little finger!...

Do you know that all cults, when visiting the pool, wash in the shower without taking off their swimming trunks... Guess why?

A bodybuilder comes to a plastic surgeon. That one to him:
— Maybe you should enlarge your chest? Or maybe you want wider shoulders? Or let's highlight the horseshoes on your triceps? Or will we tighten our calves? ... ?
To which the jock answers him with sadness in his eyes:
- Doctor, give me a penis so that at least it’s like a teenager’s...

Nerd asks Builder:
— How much will it be 6*8, 7*8, 5*12, 6*12...?
He, without thinking for a second, answers:
— 48, 56, 60, 72.
The nerd is in a daze... Then he asks again:
— 2*2, 3*4, 9*10 … ?
The jock is stunned and says:
— I can multiply current by 8 and 12!